// You probably are familiar with these lyrics from Rogers and
Hamersteins’ “My Fair Lady,” in fact, you have probably even thought these very
words about the opposite sex from time to time.  Questions about our basic differences have
plagued marital communication for centuries, and now, when societal lines
between male and female roles are more blurred than ever, it seems we could all
be asking, “Why can’t she be more like me?” or the converse, “Why can’t he be
more like a woman?” (at least in terms of communication, that is.)

But, in my private practice (and even
in my own marriage), I have noticed a curious dilemma: women DO expect men to
understand them as well their girlfriends do! And we (yes even I) are genuinely
surprised when our man is hurt, offended, even disrespected by our comments!
What is going on here? I have worked with many couples in which the wives are
deeply wounded by the responses they received from their husbands, even indignant
that “he should know I didn’t mean that!”

Men are also often confused and
hurt that their wives are so disrespectful.
Claiming them to be “dominating” and “controlling,” they resist that
control by clamming up, avoiding discussion altogether. The silence is
deafening – with both sides building up hurts and resentments. By the time the
couple reaches my office, the wall of contempt and bitterness is thick and foreboding.

This is where we women need to muster
up some compassion for our men.  They
really do not have the communication and relationship skills we have! Not that
they don’t want relationship or communication – I think that most are just not
“trained” to be in partnership.

Now I know that is an
overstatement, a generalization, and surely there are many exceptions to this
suggestion.  But please, hear me out…

If you think about little boys on
the playground, from day one, boys naturally compete to see who runs fastest,
throws hardest, and hits the farthest. In the classroom, the same competition
continues as they grow up. It gets even worse in P.E. and the locker room and the
same follows with sports, college, getting a job, getting ahead. All these
activities are viewed in terms of who is the most powerful, richest, strongest
or even who has the prettiest wife. As most men grow up and move into early
adulthood, this is the dominant focus of their lives.

Little girls on the playground
are another story.  From day one, girls
are trying to make friends, have a best friend, or have a club or social circle.
They look at each other’s clothes and hair, watching who will play what with
whom.  All this continues into high
school when the focus becomes cliques, trying to fit into a group, etc.
Everything is about talking, friendship, feelings, and who is mad at whom.
Females learn how to make and keep friends by learning loyalty, confidentiality
and secrets, and being supportive and affirming. Girls are more upset about who
is mad at them, or who is or is not a friend, than about getting ahead.

Again, this is a broad generalized
statement about women – but the point is, women learn relational skills while
men focus on competition, achievement, and being “on top.”

So when men and women marry, the
wife naturally assumes her man has the same capacity for
conversation, expression of feelings, emotional comforting and support that
she’s used to receiving from women. The guy probably was pretty good at it while
dating even, but being in a marriage can change things.  This man, who was so great while dating, now
feels more vulnerable to hurt and rejection. When he suddenly closes down–
most likely hurt from his wife’s unknowing comment—she feels offended when no
matter how much she cries, he slinks away and hides, unable to reach out and
comfort her.

Some other over-generalized
gender statements I have observed in men’s attitudes:

1. Men often are terrified, or at
least resistant to, being “controlled’ by a woman, so they react angrily and
judgementally to any woman who seems to be “overly confident” or “barking
orders.”

2. Men can be extremely sensitive
to comparisons about their abilities, often taking offense from off-hand comments
about how well someone else did.

3. Men can be almost immobilized
by a woman’s anger, especially when there are tears. A woman who is
disappointed and crying can send shivers of cold fear down the core of a man
until he has no conscious recollection of what to do! For him, in that moment,
his life is over and there will be no more love and warmth in the world EVER.

Yet, when we’re crying is exactly
when we wives expect our man to ride in on his white horse, swoop us up, dry
the tears, and profess undying love.  We
expect him to confess sadness and regret for ever hurting us so we can melt
into his arms feel that all’s right with the world again. Right? But it rarely
works like that! Women have been fooled by the fantasies of Hollywood films and
romance novels. We have to relate to real men, with real wounds, fears and
doubts. (Darn it!)

And men have their own fantasies
about a wife whose sex drive rivals their own, a woman who is aroused by sight,
responds just as quickly as he does, and doesn’t make it so much  about emotional connection (some is okay, but
all the time?) This often is a fantasy of men when they marry, until they discover
they have to relate to a real woman, with real wounds, fears and doubts. What a
shock!

So both sides of the gender wall
must develop grace and compassion for the other. The expectations women have
for men can leave us with a sense of unfullfillment, all the while comparing
our husbands’ insides to what we think we see on the outside of other husbands.
The expectations men have for their wives sexually can leave them with huge
disappointment that lead them to justify viewing pornography or having an
affair. Obviously, each side is focused on what the other person is doing for them,
not on being a servant spouse who is sensitive to the other’s needs and
feelings.

Of course, there are many
variations of this, and the opposite can be true – some women don’t develop
relationship skills, and some men do. But the point is, the snags we encounter in
a marriage are usually due to differences in expectation as well as differences
in relational skills.  Taking some time
to understand our partners will go a long way as we seek to understand,
communicate, and encourage each other for life.

Before I, Janelle, came to a recovery program, I studied the
subjects of Bible, church history, and various forms of counseling therapy
while attending seminary.  Part of our
training as counseling students was to be in our own therapy process, so
self-awareness and self examination were not new to me.  But I was surprised to find that working
through the Twelve Step process went deeper than all my other training and
therapy.  Perhaps it came together more
completely because of the previous work I’d done, and yes, perhaps I was more
ready. But the twelve step journey led me to look deeper into my spiritual
condition as displayed in my behaviors and self-beliefs.  Through working with a brilliant, inspiring
sponsor, I was able to see and accept my part and my responsibility in my life.  It was both refreshing and freeing for me!

The wonderful centering factor for me personally has been
that the Twelve Steps weave the spiritual with the psychological elements of
being human.  I always had the intuition
that God HAD to be a part of growth, both personally and spiritually – even
when humanists focused on being more human; Freudians focused on
sex as our basic foundation; and behaviorists focused on rats and
experiments!  Now, at this point in my
life, I can see how all these have their place and contribution to our
understanding of human beings.  What I
love is that all the research only confirms what God has said about humankind –
research just says it more clinically!

Twelve Step programs and the fellowships that follow them
utilize and blend many therapeutic methodologies and perspectives, such as
Reality Therapy, Transactional Analysis, Cognitive- Behavioral Therapy, and
more.  Of course, there is the added
element of having a spiritual experience, and living by spiritual principles,
which makes them more profound and I believe enables them to have a deeper
impact on one’s life.

I am grateful for the contribution of the Twelve Step
Programs of the 20^th Century, both professionally and personally.
They have certainly been a light on the path for my life and for my profession!
And thank you, God…